Come Back Hair

I knew I was in trouble the day an especially-attractive woman got on the elevator as I held the door for her, and with a hint of sympathy in her voice said, "Why, thank you, sir."

SIR? What an ego-shattering remark! Tantamount to saying, "You remind me of my father." Certainly not what a debonair, man-of-the-world wants to hear from a babe he's ogling, not that I was, mind you. But if I had been, she cut my heart out with that remark.

It was a signal to me that I was a couple of steps over the crest of handsome hill. That's about the same time I ask my wife, "Who's the bald guy in the picture?" She answered, a bit too cheerfully I thought, "That's you!"

From that day to this, I've avoided looking at the back of my head. I also feel better talking to people a lot shorter than I am, because to them it looks like I have hair. I have hair, of course, but most of it is on my back and sticking out of my ears.

Almost all aging males, including me, want to know why old men lose the hair from their head and legs but begin growing it in massive quantities on their back and in the orifices of their skull.

Then there is the problem of the unibrow. We're supposed to have two eyebrows because we have two eyes. It's well known that old men get bushy eyebrows. There are some men, however, whose eyebrows not only get bushy but grow together, becoming one huge, shaggy, ugly unibrow.

Men don't worry much about gray hair, and gray hair doesn't bother me that much either. I think that's because Caesar Romero looked so distinguished. Guys also like it because women like it.

Not many guys will admit it, but they do care about their looks. It isn't something they talk about with the boys, but they will sneak off to a salon or a spa occasionally for a bit of primping.

According to a Web site devoted to men and their grooming habits, men average 51 minutes per day getting ready each morning, just four minutes fewer than women. And get this . . . men spend $3.5 billion every year on grooming products.

That's a lot of razor blades, hair oil, and Old Spice. But that's not all they're buying. My tour of the Web site revealed that men are buying all sorts of things to make themselves look, feel, and smell better--moisturizers, exfoliators, facial scrubs, manicures, shampoo, nose clippers, waxing kits . . . you name it.

It turns out that men can buy products and services to fix all kinds of problems, even find tips and advice on everything from unwanted back hair to bad breath, pimples, or wrinkles. That's all well and good, but what I need is something for dowager's hump, long ears, and occasional flatulence. And, a cure for aching joints would be helpful.

So my search continues, not that anybody notices or cares anymore. It's just human nature to keep up appearances I guess, but I probably wouldn't worry so much about what people think about me if I would remember how seldom they do.

HLG

Harvey L. Gardner is an author, columnist, freelance writer, and business consultant. Tantalizing Trivialities is a mixture of fun, frivolity, nostalgia, inspiration, humor, love, marriage, tall tales, work, and other absurdities. A former newspaper editor and publisher. He is the author of two business books and writes extensively on business and self improvement topics. He also publishes www.DiscoverWhiteHouse.com

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